In reflection of 4 years of being a Digital Nomad

It’s coming up to my 4th year of living out of a bag, travelling the world, and working on something purposeful.

After making the move out of London back in 2014 to create a life worth living / become an entrepreneur / see the world / become financially independent etc., I find myself sitting in a coffee shop just down the road from where I used to live when I packed my stuff up for the final time.

After a soft transition in India for a friends wedding in 2014, I made it to Bangkok. There was part of me that needed to get back to Thailand having visited over a decade before.

On my first day in Bangkok I remember seeing the locals place these beautiful lanterns in a lake along Sukhumvit and I burst into tears.

Freedom. Grace. Anticipation. Excitement. Beauty. I was crying for 20 minutes, watching. I remember being asked by the guard to leave because I was hanging around for too long — as I wiped my tears away.

I’m a different person to that boy from 4 years ago. So many moments of bliss. And pain. Have crafted the human that writes this today. On one hand I’m far more experienced. Maybe wiser. On the other hand, much more aware of how little I really know and understand about this thing we call life.

Pursuing a life of purpose was waking me up every morning with an eagerness and excitement. Although, having failed to raise a round of investment for Pillow around 6 months ago, I went into escapism mode. Ultimately running away from society. Not stepping up to the challenge. Or allowing myself to feel the pain of failure. It’s only now as I process my epic recent beach life that I’m starting to actually understand this.

I get it tho— failure is just another step towards success. Yadda Yadda. Yeah, I know. But I’m a man. Men are NOT allowed to feel. We’re taught to surpass it. Ignore it. Hide it. Run away from it. Push it down. It’s often seen as a weakness to be a vulnerable man in our society, expressing his feelings. It’s taken me 6 months to realise HOW MUCH pain I was feeling having spent over 3 years on something, and not ‘succeed’. What an idiot. What a waste of time. Etc.

Especially as a man, who again and again are expected to ‘provide’, and support and achieve great things and are judged on our ‘successes’, like women are judged on their looks. You get it. The old masculine paradigm stuff that we’re collectively shedding as a species. I’m going through it too.

Transitioning from Thailand life back to London life was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Incredible mood swings of which I’ve never experienced. Insane highs and then lows. Questioning depths of my worthiness. Crying like a baby in Ann’s arms.

I remember my second day back in an office, working for a faceless agency doing heartless work for a big company. I’d never felt so low and pathetic. So upset and angry for not ‘succeeding’, and having to go back to an environment that I despise, and know is not good for my health. Yet, something deeper (let us go with ‘soul’) seems to think I need to go through it.

On that second day back in this office block I remember looking over the glass banister on the 8th floor, down the atrium, and allowing myself to realistically think oh what if... what if I jumped. I’d never allowed myself to think such an absurdity in my life until that moment.

Looking back, I now appreciate that moment. I appreciate the full breadth of experiences in this human body. I appreciate the incredible spiritual tools I have learned over the last few years (which many people don’t have, and are instead pumped with Prozac), and I appreciate the incredible people around me that I love dearly.

It was the closest I’d ever been to just saying, ‘f_ck it’. I also know others have similar thoughts, but might hide it to themselves. So I wanted to share. But I got this — don’t you worry dear reader.

So it’s been an adventure. From Burning Man to Startup Chile. From Witches to Wizards and from Tantra to MDMA. A f_cking crazy adventure.

But you know the one thing that isn’t shedding? That after 4 years — holds true to me.

A deeply engrained belief I’m here to do something of importance. Something significant.

Even after all of this, I should really just disappear to the forest and live in a commune.

But no, there’s a reason I’m here. And a purpose for this life. And I ain’t gonna waste it.

There’s work to be done. At one of the most pinnacle times in human history.

I can’t think of a more worthwhile life than helping people wake up.

So here goes at the next evolution of whatever it is that wants to be born through this body…

I will continue to create. This time, levelled up.

Peace to you, beautiful creatures.

Dazz xxx

❤